Letting go and following through

I gave my heart to Jesus when I was fifteen—but this summer is when I finally understood that God doesn’t just want my heart; He wants my whole entire life.

I’m sure you’ve heard this before, that God wants your whole life.  But I didn’t really understand that statement fully until I finished reading Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman.  He talks about being more than just an enthusiastic fan of Jesus, but truly following Him wherever, whenever, and with whatever it takes to give your entire life.

I’m learning every day that to live is Christ and to die is gain.  I have to die to myself, deny myself the things that I want, in order for the Holy Spirit to fill me up.  I’m learning that I can never accomplish anything on my own, and that all I do, every little thing, is all from God.  And since that’s true, it's only fair that I give Him everything I have.  Everything.

God wants more of you than just what you struggle through.  He wants you to trust Him with more than your bills or your health—he even wants the parts that might not give you such a hard time.  God wants you to give Him your time, your vernacular, your diet, your money, your passions, your dating life, your wardrobe choices, your everything.

In fact, wardrobe choices has been a sort of struggle for me, but I didn't notice until I started to give myself up more.  I never really dressed immodestly per se, but clothing and make up and always looking nice became an idol to me.  If you know me, you’ll know that I’ve always struggled with constantly worrying about what other people thought of me. Clothing was a way to make sure people knew I was neat, polished, professional, carefree, mysterious—whatever I thought I wanted to be for that day.  The thing is, I never really thought about what I wore before.  I was never one to wear the short-shorts with a little cheek fall-out, but I do own a few skirts that were cute enough for me to get over the fact that they weren’t school or church appropriate.  I never worried about the neckline of my shirts, because, well, my B-cups aren’t exactly provocative, but I’m learning now that I do need to consider how I look when I’m out, because if I’m proclaiming Christ, I need to reflect Him in everything, even my clothing.

Back-to-school shopping is this weekend, and God’s put it on my heart to pray over each and every outfit I buy.  He wants me to be careful with the money spent and make sure I’m buying something that I truly need, not something I think my friends will like on me.  He’s told me that people will like me for me, and I don’t need to dress to impress anyone.

God’s also got a hold of me about how I spend my time.  I’m home from everything for the rest of the summer, so I’ve got plenty of free time to laze about the house, but God’s been telling me that He wants me to do more than imprint a butt-cheek groove into the couch cushion.  God wants me to keep busy, because when I get lazy, I get lonely, I get sad, and I drown out the voice of God by clicking on the next YouTube video or sitting through an entire twelve hour America’s Next Top Model marathon. God’s put it on my heart to make the house look at least presentable when my parents get home from work, because I know there’s nothing in this world that irritates my mom more than coming home to a disaster zone and seeing me in the same place she left me that morning.  He wants me to delve into a bible study and drown out the rest of the world for more than a few minutes and spend some time, one on one, with Him.

I also know that God has been calling me to give up one of my favorite parts of my school day.  He urged me to get out of the band program at my school.  I protested some, but I knew I'd lose.  God knows what is best for me.  I know with the practice schedule picking up I'd have less time to study the bible or work on lessons for the Sunday school class I want to start with my friends, and being around that ex-boyfriend would be tough, so maybe that's why he told me to get out while I was ahead, but I don't think I know the whole story yet.  I know that God is in control, though, and that He already knows that I needed to get out for a good reason, so I picked up a drop-slip from the school and emailed my band director.  Even if it means a few lonely Friday nights sitting at home instead of laughing with friends in the band bleachers, I know I had to listen to God.  I'd made the mistake of running and trying to do my own mistake before (*cough cough ex-boyfriend cough*) and I know that it does not end well when I try to do things on my own.

Regardless of the reason for God telling me to do these things, I think it is for the best.  If you had told me two years ago that I'd be trying to spend half the money allotted for back-to-school clothes, doing laundry daily without being asked, and dropping out of band where all my friends are, I'd call you crazy.  But I've learned that even though God saved me, He didn't intend for me to be the same afterwards.  I can tell He is chipping away at the little bits of me that I've clung to so tightly, and that's making room for more of the Holy Spirit to live, move, and work in me.

I don't want any part of me any more.  I am useless and all my efforts are futile, if I don't do them in Christ.  The only way I can cope with the heartache of this life is to trust in God, even when He takes away the things I want.  Laziness, style, and band nerdiness were all a part of the old me.  God has made me new.  He wants bigger things from me, and I know the plans He has for me are more beautiful than anything I could accomplish on my own.

If you are struggling with letting go of something, I understand how hard it is to release it to God.  I nearly cried in the school parking lot before I picked up the drop-slip for band, but when I left, I could feel God telling me, You did a good thing.  And whatever it is you are clinging to, I'll have you know that it is not worth compromising your relationship with Jesus.  He is so much greater than any worldy thing--I learned that the hard way.  Let it go.  And let God grow in you.