I'm a little embarrassed to say that I worked harder in the last two weeks than I have in my entire life. Not that I'm not a hard worker, just that...manual labor has never really been my forte. During S-CORE, I was required to wake up at 6:30 every day (even though most days I was still in bed till around 6:45), serve breakfast to mostly grateful children and adults, hose down hundreds of cafeteria trays, send them through an industrial sized dishwasher that made the dish room a good 15 degrees warmer than it should be, inspect the clean trays, sort the clean ones and send back the ones that need another wash-down, scrub pot after pot after pot of mass-produced pudding or hamburger patties, sweep up after kids who spilled crackers and chips and thousands of coco-puffs, wipe down tables covered in salad dressing and lemonade, mop the kitchen that had accumulated more mess than I thought possible, take a two hour break for bible study or laundry, and head back up to the kitchen for yet another meal to begin. All while surrounded by the most diverse group of teenagers I'd ever had to work with before.
And that is one of the most mind-boggling things about this experience--just how different we all were. From athletes to musicians, from self-proclaimed rednecks to a city girl like me, it amazes me just how well we all got along and how well we were able to execute any job given to us.
After two days of knowing this band of misfits I now call my dearest friends, one of our leaders, Jonathan, took us on the ropes course, where we were asked to trust fall from a platform into the arms of strangers, and to trust everyone enough to lift you and pull you over a fourteen-foot wall.
At this point in the game is where I became a sniveling, sobbing cry baby.
I've been Little Miss Independent for as long as I could remember. I don't like other people helping me with homework, I don't let my mom do my laundry, I don't go to anyone for advice. Because for some stupid, stupid reason, I thought I could do all of this whole "living" thing on my own. I didn't think I needed anybody, and I didn't think I could trust anyone else in this world but myself.
So when Jonathan asked me to let virtual strangers lift me above their heads, and two other virtual strangers pull me over the top, I broke down. I couldn't do it. Not even if my family or my best friends were the ones to get me over, there was no way in the world I'd let them pick me up. How could I know they'd get me over?
I broke away from the group and Jonathan found me drowning in my own tears. He asked me what was wrong. I couldn't trust these people, I said. No freaking way. Plus, I remembered, the last time I did this with my church, I was ridiculed and made fun of for being weak and too big to get over. I can't trust these guys to get me over, and I can't trust them not to laugh at me either.
Jonathan calmed me down, told me to breathe, just breathe for a minute. He assured me that these guys lifting me up were strong enough to hold me, and the people at the top would assure me and help me over. These people were here to be my friends. If they can lift up every other group member, they could lift me too.
After breathing and breathing for another few minutes, I realized how disappointed I'd be in myself if I didn't do it. Everyone else in the group could do it, why couldn't I? I skirted around the edge of the wall, trying to pluck up the courage to walk up to the Great Wall of Siloam and finally trust someone for once.
I walked up to the guys doing the lifting. They smiled, patted me on the back, and said they had me. They prompted me to do the calls.
"Sp-spotters r-r-ready?"
"Spotters ready!"
"...C-climb on?"
"CLIMB ON WITH YO' BAD SELF!"
Next thing I knew I was fourteen feet in the air, clinging for dear life to my new friends at the top. They helped me over. Cheers erupted from the ground below. I did it. I climbed the Wall.
Not by myself, by any means. By the help of the friends who showed me the love of God.
"For by You I can run against a troop, by my God I can leap over a wall " Psalms 18:29It was at this point that my barriers started to crumble down. I thought, hey, maybe I could trust these kids. Maybe we could be friends.
Through out the rest of that first week, it became easier and easier to get to know these silly kids. Smalls, who hung upside-down on the bunk above me to talk and giggle. Drew, who always greeted me with a smile and a genuine "You're doing great, Lindsey!" Addy, who constantly encouraged me and placed a cool wet rag on my neck when I thought I was going to pass out in the serving line. Jackson, who always asked if I was okay and patted me on the back when I was overwhelmed by God's presence during the worship service. Cuillen, who kept right on working when she could despite a previous injury. Logan, who was always good for a laugh and encouragement, even when I teased him. Ethan and Grace, whose sassy best-friend dynamic kept me in stitches. Jeremiah, who told thousands of jokes and kept us laughing and thinking. Big Tyler, who could be stopped by nothing and worked constantly. Little Tyler, who overcame a lot just to come to this program. Brettley and Arron, some of the hardest workers and nicest guys I've met. And of course, the friends I came with, Alisha and Tabitha, who knew me better than the rest and love me in spite of it.
And last but not least, our wonderful S-CORE leaders, Jonathan, Blake, Leah, and Bethany. Jonathan and Blake quickly became like the older brothers I wished I'd had, even if they never stopped talking about poop and gave many, many wet billies (if you don't know what these are, good. You don't want to, trust me.) Leah was always peppy and happy to work, and knew more about the Word than I thought a girl of 19 could. And Bethany, what a joy it was to work with her. We've both gone through a lot of the same situations in life, and I could tell God meant for us to be together.
All of these beautiful, beautiful people quickly became my friends. Between playing Signs or Sardines and spraying each other down with the pre-washing hoses, between holding hands while we worshiped together and giving pats on the back when we shared our testimonies, it became obvious to me just how much I loved all these goofy kids. And how much they loved me. God revealed Himself to me through the love I shared with these kids.
During one of the worship services, I remember thinking just how selfish it was of me to hold all this love and keep it to myself. I know how awful a lot of my lost friends have it at home. I know they don't feel loved half as much as they deserve. And I know how it feels to not feel loved. How could I keep God's love a secret? How could I keep all this to myself? I know I can't live without this love. How could anyone else?
When we were all packed up and ready to go, we went to the cafe for a final time for the award ceremony. Bethany presented me with the Perseverance award. She said she was impressed with all that I was going through, and that I still worked hard and pushed through in spite of it. She said I was courageous.
That was the first time in my life someone had called me that, and you have no idea how much I needed to hear that.
My mom pulled up to take Alisha, Tabitha, and me home, but once all our stuff was loaded in the car, we stood outside the dorm unit I'd come to call home and cried for about two hours with the friends I'd come the closest to during this time. We retold stories and hugged and hugged and hugged some more. A girl from the kitchen staff was saying goodbye to us too. She said she didn't know me, but she could see God in me, and that I had the potential to do great things. I cried some more.
We sobbed and snapped a few more pictures. Finally, we stepped away from the comfort and love I'd grown so used to in the matter of two weeks. The car pulled away. I sobbed and sobbed in the front seat, and whimpered out to my mom, "This sucks. I never wanna love again."
I didn't mean it, of course, but that's how I felt in the moment. To build up such strong relationships with the first people I had trusted in a long while, and then to have them ripped up and spread across three different state lines was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Even harder than scrubbing pots for two days in a row.
After a while, God comforted me in reassuring me that this would not be the last that I'd see them. There is always heaven. Plus, I'd prayed all that last week for us to become life-long friends, and I know He'll answer that prayer. He also told me, it wasn't the people I fell in love with. It was the love itself. And that Love resides in God. And God is everywhere. And I was going to be okay.
I had the opprotunity to go back up and serve in S-CORE for another week, but I felt that God was calling me to come home and put to practice what I'd learned up there. And to share the love He'd shown me with my family and friends. He wanted me to act. And that's what I'm trying to do now.
Keep me in your prayers, because I'm still emotionally exhausted, and because I'm still trying to reach out to people in love.
I love Siloam. I love S-CORE. I love my new family. And I love God with all my heart. And I am no longer afraid or ashamed to shout that out.
my new family, on our trip to the movies, where we were so loud other people left the theater. oops. luv u guise.
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